Dec 06

I Love Math

Here’s a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.)
Remember, this is strictly a mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Jul 22

Condescending Apple Press Conference

Mar 07

First Day of College…

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50. ”

He continued, “Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400.

Are there any questions? ”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass? ”

Dec 31

Top 25 Pop Songs of 2009 Mashup

Dec 31

I Gotta Feeling Parody

Your night out anthem becomes your morning after anthem.

Dec 31

Kiss the Girl… Continued

This spoof of the Little Mermaid’s Kiss the Girl song is a metaphor trying to hit all the bases with a willing girl, and then pushing your luck too far by asking for the kinkier stuff, and then losing it all.

Oct 26

Real Mothers…

Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn’t come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask ‘Why me?’ and get their answer when a little voice says, ‘Because I love you best.’

Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade… It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother…

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE – My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE – My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE – My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE – Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE – Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE – That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE – Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE – Before we decide, let’s get Mom’ s opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE – Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE – Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair … The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul … It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Oct 26

NY Times – A Harley Rider

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life..’

The biker replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’ The reporter says, ‘Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, ‘I’m a U..S. Marine and a Republican.’

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Sep 07

NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions


NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions

Onion Sports Network
http://is.gd/30ziJ

Aug 09

Silence is my enemy

What does it take
How much more
Break my spirit
Tell me
Answer me
I cry
You cry
You don’t exist

Silence is my enemy
Silence is a friend
Noise can do no good
Empty vessels make the most noise
Damage is done
Repair…Impossible
What more can I say
What good will it do

Unknown author.
Found on newsgroup:rec.arts.poems back in the 90's.